2009 List of Systematic Tidbits

Stodgy Legs told herself that she needed to make a list of refreshments to be eaten with consideration in an equable and dispassionate manner over the next year. "Forbearance must be key", thought Stodgy Legs Elf.

1- Unicorn Milk in the form of cheeses, butter & cream
2- Earth Confectioneries
3- Dragon's meat

Stodgy Legs decided that these things should be eaten only once a week at most.

Artwork: http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=58677

Note: Tomorrow, Stodgy Legs elf will begin WEEK #2 of 26.2 Mile Forest Training with Ork and Faerie.

Excuses for Eating Sugary Blossoms: Solutions

1- I want to enjoy life
Solution: Enjoy life in some other way than food
A) Read a Book about intellectual dwarves
B) Capture a picture with my gnome camera
C) Watch a magic box entertainment
D) Play a Frolicking game
E) Make future Plans

2- I deserve it
Solution: I deserve to be healthy

3- I can't deal with life, I need comfort
Solution: Find comfort in something other than food
A) Talk to my elf family or friends
B) Do Yoga with the Eels
C) Meditate on the banks of the lake
D) Soak in the pools of foamy deep
E) Watch our Elvish vacations on the magic box

4- The tiny faeries want treats
Solution: Let THEM make the treats and clean up the kitchen

5- I love to cook
Solution: Cook something healthy made of roots or leaves or berries

6- The other elves want to eat out
Solution: Check menu ahead and select nuts and lovely food-bits

7- I am sick of always watching my sweet-fig consumption
Solution: I am sick of being overweight and unhealthy even more
A) Reasons I want to be healthy
a) I have more energy to run
b) I can wear lovely clothing
c) I'm less intimidated or insecure about my stodgy legs
d) I spend less time feeling sorry for myself
e) I am happier
f) Better sex, feel sexier
g) I am more excited about the future

8- I am in a hurry
Solution: Make sure there are always quick, healthy foods to grab and cook meals ahead

9- It's a holiday
Solution: Allow one meal off, but not the whole day. Celebrate the holiday in ways besides food

10- I feel left out. Everyone else is eating.
Solution: Time to be a bit self-righteous. They are all being fat trolls, I am not.

11- Taste in my mouth needs sweetener to change it.
Solution: Drink water. Brush my teeth.

12- If I eat it off the mixing spoon it doesn't count
Solution: Let Saucy Legs Elf lick the spoon.

13- I always fail. I'm just going to be unhealthy again.
Solution: Break the pattern. Learn. Think. Experience life.

14- Fat elves are happy
Solution: See 7Ae

15- I'm so hungry that I don't care what I eat
Solution: Eat before I get that hungry.

Artwork at: http://www.elfwood.com/art/r/a/rachfitz/fat_elf2blue.jpg.html

Jovial Surprise

Stodgy Legs Elf made it to the training forest today. She was surprised that her heart rate was slightly lower this time and that she increased her training time simply because she was enjoying the run.

"Perhaps I should have stuck to the plan" thought Stodgy Legs. "I am very sore this evening." But she was pleased.

Storm Before the Flurry?

Stodgy Legs Elf had no idea that her flurry before the storm would be halted by a storm before the flurry. "Snow and ice, sleet and hail mixed with holiday revelers swarming about in colliding chariots does not provide a kind atmosphere for running", thought Stodgy Legs.

"I will wait until the holiday revelers are done with their jubilations", Stodgy declared. "Week number one shall continue after boxing day and week number two shall begin December 29th".

Strategy of Flurry before the Storm

Art: http://www.elfwood.com/art/k/g/kgardner/storm.jpg.html

Stodgy Legs made a nine week strategy of flurry before the serious storm of training was to begin:

Week One
MWF - 5 min. walk through trees, alternate 60 secs. of running from Orc with 90 secs. of faerie-protected walking for a total of 20 mins.
TTh - 45 mins weight training

Week Two
MWF - 5 min. walk, alternate 90 secs Orc with 2 mins faerie for 20 mins.
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Three
MWF- 5 min. walk, 90 sec Orc, 90 sec faerie, 3 min Orc, 3 min faerie. Repeat.
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Four
MWF- 5 min. walk, 3 min Orc, 90 sec faerie, 5 min Orc, 2.5 mins faerie, 3 min Orc, 90 sec faerie, 5 min Orc
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Five
M- 5 min. walk, 5 min Orc, 3 min Faerie, 5 min Orc, 3 min Faerie, 5 min Orc
W- 5 min. walk, Orc 8, Faerie 5, Orc 8
F- 5 min. walk, Orc 20
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Six
M- 5 min walk, 5 min Orc, 3 min Faerie, 8 min Orc, 3 min Faerie
W- 5 min walk, 10 min Orc, 3 min Faerie, 10 min Orc
F- 25 min Orc
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Seven
MWF - 5 min walk, 25 min Orc
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Eight
MWF- 5 min walk, 28 min Orc (or 2.75 miles)
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Week Nine
MWF- 5 min walk, 30 min Orc (or 3 miles)
TTh - 45 mins weight training
SSu - Yoga

Daggers of Doom

Stodgy Legs felt many daggers of doom stabbing her hips and shins. Surely there were invisible imps clinging to her legs... punishing her for trying to run. She was not sure she wanted to return to the training forest. "I am learning much about myself and how very stodgy my legs have become", thought Stodgy Legs Elf.

But worse than the imps that tormented her legs, was a Sugar Demon which clawed at her head and neck. "I must stop eating so many holiday figs and chewing on so many sweet tree berries" affirmed Stodgy. "I must not let Winter Solstice ruin my ability to run 26.2 miles by Autumn Equinox."

Imp Art: http://www.deletionquality.net/art

Hungry Orc, Angry Roots

Stodgy Legs felt unsure about herself. She arrived at the forest on a dark blue wingless horse, cold and wet with crystal white condensation clinging to her hair. On her feet sparkled the lightest, fleetest shoes she could afford to purchase, and about her stodgy legs clung thick, supportive leggings which she hoped would keep her bottom from jiggling much.

The Orc she had hired for the morning looked slobbery and hungry... perhaps a little too hungry, thought Stodgy Legs. Her androgynous guardian faerie greeted her with a greenish smile, and wordlessly guided her to the edge of the forest. They made their way past bulky, muscular dwarves, toned centaurs and slender young dancing sprites. Stodgy Legs felt oldish and plump amidst the flock of spirited creatures. She dipped her head slightly and handed the nymph-looking woman at the gateway her token.

Her warm up walk through the trees caused the breakfast of various roots in her tummy to roll about. "I need to eat earlier" vowed Stodgy Legs. When five minutes of walking were up, the Orc split the air with a rumbling cry as it was set free from it's chains. Stodgy began to run in terror. "60 second!" she thought. The breakfast roots groaned in anger. Why had she eaten anything? Boom. Boom. Boom. She felt the Orc's huge feet smashing the forest debris behind her. Her lungs worked the air like a punching bag, her heart began to race... and just when she thought she might not make it, her faerie threw a shield of green light around her. 60 seconds were up.

After each rest of 90 seconds the Orc again trampled after Stodgy Legs. She began to feel powerful and free. "I am like the wind!" she thought. Until her heart beats reached 179BPM. "WTF" thought Stodgy Legs. "I am old and out of shape. And who put Britney Spears on my iPod?" By 15 minutes Stodgy began to consider allowing the Orc to kill and eat her. "It would be better that I die than have this tearing sensation in my chest" she grumbled. "I'm going to die of a heart attack anyway. Sooner would be better."

But to her amazement the 20 minutes were spent and she was still alive. Her stodgy legs twinged with pain beneath the leggings. "I eat too many sweet figs", thought Stodgy Legs. "I must have a thousand sweet figs in each of my stodgy legs." She walked slowly for another five minutes and back to the gate.

"See you next time" said the nymph cheerfully, and flipped her hair as she turned her back. Stodgy Legs thought about flicking blue fire beetles into the long, silky hair, but decided it wasn't the nymph's fault that Stodgy was a pudgy elf full of sweet figs.

A Beginning

One chilly day as she sat on her largish rump, Stodgy Legs Elf thought to herself, "I should run 26.2 miles in the Autumn of 2009"

'Twas then that she realized that as proven in the past... Stodgy Legs Elf could not run. Short and squat legs do little good, even when faithfully attached to a long torso.

Fleet of foot and elvish she was not, yet with dreary beginnings she nevertheless began to make a plan. "Couch to 5K" said she.

Week One Shall Be:

A 5 minute walk among the trees, in which a large and dangerous Ork shall chase Stodgy Legs for 60 seconds after which a faerie shall protect her for 90 seconds. This thing shall happen over and over until 20 minutes have past. This shall she do three times the first week.